Good colourful start, this is exactly the kind of phrase to start with, being exciting without being over the top. Followed by a good précis of what the game is about.

I think it is good idea to state the nature of the game i.e. that the players will not be identifiable to non players. Again setting out some of your key ideas early in the description helps answer questions for the reader and allow them to focus on understanding your core idea.

The idea of Dirkje Sluis and her story is brilliant! It smacks of originality with lots of depth and opportunity for a good story that lends itself to rich opportunities for game play.

I think it is a good idea to appeal to peoples sense of community in becoming part of the AHM community by playing, and a nice idea of a free ticket if you are successful. These are nice simple and understandable goals that the player can relate to. I think this is particularly good in this case as some people might not be comfortable with the game idea at the outset, but the reward will draw them in.

In the section concerning the participating museum you might consider expanding a little more how this type of engagement and participation will bring people in and engage them.

Again some expansion on your view of the user generated content and how that will form a lasting legacy/archive. Might it be used to develop other aspects of the game for instance?

For the technology and interaction section you definitely need an example here. Even if you do not put in technical details you can still indicate what your intended view of the activity is. This is an important aspect of the description and a strong description with visuals will serve to give the detail of the game.

Overall with such rich material and detailed setting (with great authenticity) this game cries out for further detail, and description of game play and mechanics.

The last piece of hard work is to bring this together into a scintillating document! You’ve got the initial sell and you have the conclusions indicating how this game might be developed in the future. The last elusive piece is to illustrate/describe the game play so that somebody reading this for the first time will get a sense of the scope of the game. Returning to the earlier document you have already outlined game play for this game, I would suggest returning to this and using something similar to present the game in your final pitch.

Undoubtedly this game is a ‘serious game’ in that it is meant to educate and in a lot of respects they can be very difficult to design as opposed to a fun and frivolous game. In closing I suppose if I was reading this as a member of the Canadian Educational establishment looking to sponsor development I would like to know how this activity would enable learning. Doesn’t have to be overly serious, after all it is a game, but some little detail about the knowledge developed might help.

It has been a bit of a struggle to define this idea, but I think the hard work has paid off and I can see where you have answered my awkward questions!”

The last piece of hard work is to bring this together into a scintillating document! You’ve got the initial sell and you have the conclusions indicating how this game might be developed in the future. The last elusive piece is to illustrate/describe the game play so that somebody reading this for the first time will get a sense of the scope of the game. Returning to the earlier document you have already outlined game play for this game, I would suggest returning to this and using something similar to present the game in your final pitch.

Undoubtedly this game is a ‘serious game’ in that it is meant to educate and in a lot of respects they can be very difficult to design as opposed to a fun and frivolous game. In closing I suppose if I was reading this as a member of the Canadian Educational establishment looking to sponsor development I would like to know how this activity would enable learning. Doesn’t have to be overly serious, after all it is a game, but some little detail about the knowledge developed might help.

It has been a bit of a struggle to define this idea, but I think the hard work has paid off and I can see where you have answered my awkward questions!

How does the seed grow and how does this affect the game? It might be nice to see the seed growing as increasing the urgency in the game or even giving the player a bonus?

Around the greenhouse site at the end of the game you mention booby traps and also if the seed loses 4 points of damage it is lost. This is a very specific detail where the rest of the game description is a bit more of an overview. I would avoid such specifics unless they were quantified by links to other aspects of the game or were crucial to understanding.

The examples of game play begin to give the game some form but it is hard to read in the 6 steps link except that is provided by drawing cards. Personally I’m not sure if I am missing something from this description or if this core activity is not being used enough?

I’m concerned that the ideas behind the game are still a little large and are not being focused into a game idea enough. Whilst a Pitch Document does not have to realise the game fully I am still a little concerned that if I had not been speaking to you as the designer that I would fully understand this proposal. I would definitely give more thought to the description of the sample play and use that as a design tool to test your idea a little more.

The idea is there, just remaining a little elusive at the moment, push a little harder for some more detail!